Me, You and Reggie Bush

Because I have a vivid imagination, I'm skilled at phone sex.  Not my favorite thing to do.  If you think about it... phone sex is like self induced manic-depression.  After you gotten all hot and horny, and excited - you find yourself by yourself - with gooey fingers on one hand and a phone in the other ... feeling just a wee bit silly.   However, phone sex has become a useful tool for me over the years because I've had some long distance dating situations. For some reason men like it.  I don't know any women that would ask for phone sex.  

Over the years, I've gotten so good at phone sex that I can make a man climax while I'm in the drive thru at Taco Bell.  Of course all he hears is.. "ohhh baby.. I'm laying on the bed with no panties on... stroke that big c*ck for me.."

 And when it's my turn to order my chicken Chalupa,  I put the phone on mute.  Hearing " uhmm ... hold on....Can I get a side of nachos and a medium Coke with that..." can take a dude out of his zone. 

Just when I thought I mastered phone sex.. I met a guy that ruined it for me... maybe forever. 

The set-up

Long story short, met this guy on vacation.. a friend of a friend.  We hit it off instantly. Spent the rest of the week together.  It was lovely.

So, for the first time, I'm down with phone sex with dude because it brought back good vacation memories.  He called me regularly from Far-Far Away Land.. better known as Texas.  One night we segway into one of those nasty conversations.  For once, I'm all in with the phone sex, but somewhere mid- steamy-conversation, we took a strange and alarming detour.  It went something like this..

Him: "Sooo... tell me about a time you were with another man"

Me: "Huh?"

Him: "Yeah... it turns me on to think about you being with another man.."

I'm thinking.. ok everyone has their quirks.. and it's just imagination and a story, right?

So, I start making up a story about me and an imaginary partner (... well New Orleans Saints Running Back Reggie Bush).  As I go into this story about my fantasy with Reggie Bush... he works himself into a frenzy on the other end of the phone... then he blurts out "I can see ya'll from the closet!!"

Skkcrrrreeeeeetttttt..... "The Closet??? Nicca what you doing in the closet????" 

I'm out my zone now completely.  How you just gonna bust in on me and Reggie like that? He says "Well... that's my fantasy to watch you with another man from the closet..."

EEeewwWWhh... damn friends.. bet they didn't know this sh*t.

I like to think I'm open-minded when it comes to sex, especially imaginary sex.  I tried, but I couldn't get past this one.  Call it voyeurism or whatever.. I thought it was down right creepy.  I didn't want dude to feel bad about opening up to me and sharing is creepiness.. oh I mean fantasies.  So I let him go on about his business in the imaginary closet.  Sure enough, he climaxed in seconds.  

Needless to say me and dude didn't last long.  Not only did he become obsessed with watching me and Reggie Bush getting it in from the closet every other night, he turned out to be an asshole in other walks of life too!  And here I am trying not to make him feel bad about his homo-erotic tendencies. 

Lesson learned here.. I don't know... some things are best left in the closet? 

 

The Pre-Owned/Pre-Certified Man

Since I've been dating in my 30's there is one type of man that I have grown very fond of, the Divorcee.  He's my favorite for many reasons, but here are the top 3. 

3. He's not afraid of commitment (however, the jury is still out on my own commitment issues)

2. More than likely, his relationships are governed by his true emotions and not his age, his boys or biological clock

and number 1.

He's already trained and domesticated!

There's a lot to be said for the Pre-Owned/Pre-Certified Man.  If the divorce is final, he usually has a healthy disdain for his Ex, so there's no fear of reconciliation.  The ex-wife has already absorbed the depreciation hit, making him a better bargain.  She's molded him, exposed his weaknesses and immature behavior, forced him to make difficult decisions and called his manhood to the carpet. He has also learned how to treat a woman, she probably taught him that too, because he probably has had to learn the hard way.  

Viva Las Ex-Wives!!!! 

So if you get you a Pre-Owned/Pre-Certified Divorcee, most anything he encounters with you will be old hat and he'll know just what to do, but they do come with their challenges.  

I've been lucky enough to run into a guy that I dated in my early 20's who recently got divorced.  Jenine (as previously blogged about) ran into said guy .... Ron, while she was out one night.  Of course, she found out the skinny.  Ron was divorced after 6 years of marriage to his baby-momma. He & I cut off our dating shortly before he got married.  He wanted to do the right thing and make a family.  Have to respect that.  Our dating situation ended on an up-note, wishing each other the best of luck. However, 7 years later, we were both happy to hear that both of us were single and anxious to see each other again. 

Ron & I reconnect. We're back getting acquainted. Things are cool, but this is what I've learned about the Divorcee.  Sex with a man that was once married is totally different from sex with a man that is either still married or had never been married at all. 

Single men have their sexual reputation at stake... so they're in it to win it every time... they can't afford a BDR (Bad Dick Report).

Married men will bring their alter-ego to the bedroom and do things they wouldn't bother to do at home.

Divorcees screw you like they used to screw their wives... it can make for a pretty boring episode.

So, in our reconnection, Ron & I finally get in the same city and find ourselves in the bed (Pre-marriage Ron was a pretty dayum good lover from what I remembered).  I'm all excited about us having sex again.  We get into it.. and all his years of monotonous, missionary, dry, dutiful sex become apparent (Ex-wife can kill the sexual beast in a man).  So we continue as I try to figure out, in my mind, how I can resurrect the Nasty Nasty Que that used to just put the smack down on it.  THEN all of the sudden.. (as we're doing it missionary) he says.. 

"Oooohh... I have to get a cable converter from Lowes... uuugghh" and rolls over.

What the hell was that?!?!

Confused as hell, I ask him "Ummh.. did you... ummh finish??"

He says "Yeah.."

I ask "Do you always talk about hardware when you cum??"

He says "Yeah, or whatever is on my mind."

ok... post-marriage Ron

Though the Pre-Owned/Pre-Certified Divorcee has many wonderful attributes that the Ex-wife cultivated over the years of marriage, more than likely the exciting, spontaneous and freaky part of him may have gotten snuffed out in the process.  You may have to go retrieve that brother. 

 

 

The River Of Foolishness That Flows Beneath

(* Title of this blog has been changed. This one is more adequate)

Blogger put me on ice for a few days. They thought I could be a potential Spammer.  But I'm back today with confirmed news.  Yes, my favorite ex-boyfriend is getting married next month. 

It's not a surprise.  I heard about a potential marriage from several reliable sources.  But for some reason, mutual friends of ours have assumed that if I found out about the wedding I'd... 

a.) circumvent the hostesses at the church and take the bride out at the knees like Michael Strahan as she's walking down the aisle, or 

b.) Get a sharp razor and run a warm bath. 

Oh Contraire Ami.  Please... The ship that our relationship was on has sailed and sank many years ago.  Over the years we've managed to stay cordial (which almost ended when he had a 4am drunken episode on my porch last year ).  I even met the fiance a few months ago.. which is why I'm writing.

Does this woman know what she's about to be legally bound to? 

Is she clueless to the river of foolishness that flows beneath the surface of this dude?

The reason why he's my favorite ex is because he taught me how to LIVE and be whoever you are no matter what people think.   This dude was WILD!!! We had the most fun together... so much so that we were down right obnoxious.  Our couple antics were like a dance off.  Who could push the envelop the furthest.  Being with him was like having the shackles taken off of me, especially coming from the "Stepford" relationship I was in previously.

However, being a Gemini, dude had another side.  At the time, he was also a super intelligent medical student, who graduate high school at 15.  

On the flip side... the same guy that came from the gutters of Newark, Derty Jerz to the core... Timbos, blunts and stolen merchandise.  

Yet! also the same dude that put a vanity license plate on his red convertible that read "SEXYMD", had china and place settings, and loved the color pink (another story for another time).  A very dynamic guy with a host of issues... as you could image. 

After meeting his fiance at a social event... let's just say I was Underwhelmed.  She was very nice, also a physician.  They met at the hospital.  But...and she would even have to agree with me... she was a bit... well.. alot a bit... frumpy and plain.  Private school bred... Beige... Safe.  Again, very nice.  Distressing and to my amazement, He was a totally a different man around her! 

Ladies & Gentlemen...a Stepford Fiance!!!!  

But true to the guy I knew, as the night went on, he left her at the table sipping on a drink looking uncomfortable and out of place, while he went off with his boys somewhere of in another part of the party, probably to be his true, rowdy, unpredictable self.  

They say opposites attract... but I can't help but to think that he may be suppressing a big part of himself to finally gain that professional image and status. Is it worth hiding or even killing a part of yourself?  Yes, people grow up, but character doesn't change. 

I wish them luck.  But I can't help to wonder if one day that old self will jump out.  Sexy MD will rear his loud, drunken, pierced, and sexually confused head.  

When all the characteristics that had to be kept underwraps to perpetuate the perfect Buppie life start to seep out, will ol'girl will fall off the couch like "Who the hell are you!?!"

Maybe Blondes Really Do Have More Fun

I've declared 2008 -  the year of Lame, from lame duck President Bush, to lame ass gas prices that have forced me to cut back on necessities like new shoes and going out. I'm bringing my lunch to work now (which really sux... because I can't cook).  I'm blaming the Bear Market (since nobody wants to call it a recession) as one of the reasons for my lame dating... thus the blog. 

But I tell you who is experiencing the Bull of all markets, especially dating... My Best Friend... let's call her "Jenine".  She got a Blonde sew-in weave in January and has been the hot ticket ever since!    I'm not hating, it looks great, actually quite natural... if black women could grow blonde hair, she'd be Marilyn Monroe.  

But really, since this blonde transformation her dating stock has gone through the roof!  If she walked down the street in a group of three and the two other women were topless and she was fully clothed with the blonde hair.. she'd still get all of the attention!  Don't get me wrong, my best friend is a hot chick, blonde hair or not... but since freshman year of college has played the laid back roll... the "don't speak to me unless spoken to"  evil grill girl out of the crew.  So to witness dudes jumping over the bar to get next to her since the blonde weave is crazy to me. 

The Blonde Weave has to be better than Kanye's Workout Plan...

Since the Blonde Weave she has:

• - Reconnected with old boyfriends from 13 years ago

• - Gone out on fabulous dates with guys from college.... that she didn't even know back when we were in college

• - Regularly meeting (from her description) guys that are wonderful and she could see a future with. 

• - And rode a plane (just joking)

All of this coming from someone that hadn't seriously dated in 4 years.

Like I said, I'm not a bitter bitch.  I'm happy for her, just looking for the commodity that raises my stock since I'm having a Bear year.  I can't be blonde that's already taken.  Let's see where a Flaming Redhead takes me. 

please comment....

Blogging for Sanity

This is my first post.  I'm thinking this blog might just save my sanity. As you may have read from the blog description, I'm 31, SBF, and I'd say pretty damned Hot, but for the life of me can't figure out how I end up in the situations I do.  I have to find the humor in things that happen to me... if I didn't I'd be nutty as squirrel shit.  Hope you find it entertaining...  this is my most recent train wreck. 

Match Point - So i thought

I'm out with my sister at a friend's birthday party at a popular lounge a few weeks ago, and this GORGEOUS, tall, built beautiful guy (a la Christopher Williams in "New Jack City") walks in that I've never seen before.  Being that I feel like I've already dated any decent guy in this city and has resulted in crash and burn, I'm super-excited about this stranger.  Fresh meat.   So after some encouragement from my sister, I make my way across the room to talk to the guy who is standing by himself.  So we chit chat.. he lives out of town about 1 1/2 hours away, single, and is in real estate and contracting.  In addition to being fine as hell, he very cool. We exchange numbers and I walk back across the room to my sister... victorious.   

So.. the next day.. dude... let's call him Don.. calls and leaves a nice message, he's glad that we met the night before and looks forward to getting to know me.  We talk several times and Don is the Greatest!!!  All looks aside, we have oodles in common, he was born in Dominican Republic and he loves to ski... 2 things I love... Skiing and Dominican men.  It's a rap for me.. God sent Don to me and this was a cue to start clearing my phone book.  Over the next few weeks Don comes to visit several times and even invites me to the beach for a few days so we can chill out together.  Don is wonderful.. the rest of you losers please stop calling me... God sent confirmed...

Wednesday... 4 days before the Beach with Don

Don and I are talking about our up coming trip over the phone during the day.  Everything is still a go but my intuition says something is strange, he doesn't sound too confident.  So later that evening I send him a text message, pretty random, maybe "call me" or something like that.  About an hour later I get a message from a strange number that reads:

"I don't mean to be rude, but who is this and why are you texting my husband"

Awwwwhhhh Hell No!!!!  

my response:  "Confused... who's husband am I texting"

"me & "Don" have been together for 7 years, in case u didn't know we are married"

OK... the irony here is that out of the times I may have been guilty of being with someone else's man... this time I'm totally innocent ... never had this happen before... I hate drama

I'm suppressing every urge to lose my mind on this broad because this is really between me & Don.  What the hell is going on!?!  Damn does this mean I'm not going to the Beach!?!

I gotta be cool until I can talk to him the next morning get to the bottom of this foolishness.  I take some Tylenol PM (I don't encourage drug use but sometimes you need a little help) and go to sleep..

How Many Ways Can You Say Dumb Ass....

I go through my normal morning routine.. calmly just waiting to get in my car on my way to work to unleash on this M*therf*cker.  So I call him, he doesn't answer... Now I'm furious.  I send him a text message "What U scared to talk to me?"  He calls right back and says "Yes, kind of".   

There was about 6 seconds of quiet. . . . . . then I went Slam-da-F*ck OFF!!!!

I'm gonna try to leave the explicits out of the blog. I screamed on this dude like I have never screamed on anyone in my life... in morning traffic.  I was a woman possessed.  Richard Pryor incarnated... this is sort of how the conversation went:

me: "Nicca You Married!?!!! Your wife texted me last night... What kinda bullsh*t do you have me involved in"

Don: "Well... Yes... But it just kinda happened"

me: "What the hell you mean It just kinda happened!?!  What Dumb Ass kinda happens in to a marriage and how come you didn't say anything to me!?!"

Don: "It wasn't planned. We got married on Saturday, we've been off and on and she gave me an ultimatum and the papers and I didn't know what to do. I think I made a mistake. I have even told my family yet"

 me: "Saturday!?! As in 4 days ago... a week before we're supposed to go to the beach!?! An Ultimatum!?! Who does this kinda Sh*t!?! You are the Stupidest M*therf*cker in the world !?! ...."

And so on it went... my barrage of  deplorable language until I was out curse words and breath.. 

Long story short... Yes this half-witted m*therf*cker got married while I was scheduling a bikini wax and buying flip flops!!!  Craziest part about it he really sounded like a fool. Almost felt bad for the dude he just realized what he got himself into.. He sounded like he just ran over somebody's dog with is babbling apologies. Why do men do this??? Really who gets forced into a shotgun wedding in 2008!?! But that didn't stop me from continuing to cuss him and trying my best make him feel like shit. 

Well back to the drawing board... no beach... no ski weekends in Utah... 

There's something to be said for the quote "If it looks too good to be true... it probably is..."

please feel free to comment...